Four-Legged Sprinting

It’s literally what it sounds like people.

Here, let me take you to a critically acclaimed news outlet known as the guardian. This upcoming video is on their sports homepage, or at least at one point it was.

For the love of God, try not to laugh…

So, let’s just take a moment to synthesize what we just saw. This sport was created by Kenichi Ito who is noted as “the fastest man on four legs” and it’s his dream/goal to run on all four legs up against the fastest runner on two legs to prove to the world humans running on all-fours will be the thing of the future.

Maybe he could cut a few milliseconds if he shaved his dome…?

Kenichi, who lives in a suburb of Tokyo, Japan, has studied the wiry Patas monkey of Africa and used their running-style to mold his own.

If you haven’t figured out that Kenichi is most likely a monkey himself you’re missing the point. He legitimately lives out most of his days on all-fours. That’s not even to most messed up thing about this guy.

There is a video posted on Reuters, that I will not make you watch because of it’s length, but in the interview, Kenichi states “I’ve been doing four-legged running for ten years now and that’s precisely the same period I haven’t had a girlfriend.”

It kind of breaks your heart that this one-of-a-kind determined athlete who is pioneering his way into the record-books can’t get a girlfriend.

“My dream would be to find a girlfriend who would go for dates with me on four limbs, but there’s really no-one like that around.”

Oh boy, yep, we’ve officially hit rock-bottom Kenichi. I’m sorry dude, but you’re messed up.

There is one really cool thing about you, though, Kenichi. I admire your persistence to create this movement and set up races around your home country of Japan. That’s legit. But please don’t waste your life on trying to beat Usain Bolt in a 100 meter dash.

Actually, on second thought, you should go for it. You seemed pretty stoked when you broke your own record and ran the 100-meters in 16.87 seconds. Respect! Who am I to judge if the lifestyle you choose to live is on all-fours.

Just don’t be surprised if the dog-catcher accidentally swipes you up one day.

The coolest thing we’ve learned from this sport of Four-legged sprinting today…the male Patas monkey has a mustache. WIN!

All he needs now is a cowboy hat and he’s my uncle Ralph.