Mindball

Close your eyes……on second thought, don’t do that)

Relax.

Focus.

Concentrate…CONCENTRATE!!!…….

Well dang, you just lost Mindball. While you were busy not focusing, your opponent sitting from across the table just sat there and beat you. You’re worthless.

Mindball’s little tagline slogan even gives you the flippin directions: “Relax and win!”

But, I can teach you to become the greatest Mindball player in the world. It’s actually fairly complicated. There are several traits  you need to aquire in order to be crowned Mindball Champion.

First, let’s enjoy this wonderful video of Regis an Kelly (the show now called Live with Kelly and Michael – which ex-New York football Giant Michael Strahan now hosts  with Kelly Ripa…sorry you have to stare at that gaping hole between his teeth Kelly) playing the game back in the 90s – when the show was relevant.

So the rules, as Regis so beautifully described, make perfect sense. Be the most focused and relaxed person on the table, and don’t let that ball move to your side. If the ball rolls to your side and in your circle, you have been crowned the least relxaed and craziest person at the table. Congrats on your achievement.

Alright, PHASE ONE to becoming a Mindball Champion. –
It’s quite simple actually if you think about it, or don’t think about it…this game is too much to handle.

Apparently this girl smiles while concentrating

1) Psych your opponent out before going into the match by carefully slipping into the conversation the phrase “The zoo elephant is dressed up in a Christmas sweater right now.” BOOM!

You just distracted your opponent without them realizing it.

2) When hooking up the brainwave readers to your temples, allow someone else to place them on for you after a full 30 seconds of relaxation.

3) Since we know all you will be thinking about during the game is, well…, nothing hopefully, do not close your eyes at all, but rather stare at a plain colored wall or something plain colored to focus on. If you close your eyes, your imagination will start running wild and you never know when that elephant in the Christmas sweater will pop-in for a visit.

I mean…that’s adorable

4) Your will most likely try to concentrate on nothing as well, naturally. This means freak the living crap out off him. I’m not talking about you screaming at the top of your lungs to distract him, because that will most likely get you distracted as well. Simply throw things at them underneath the table around them to freak ’em out a little.

5) (Or 4 extended) Hit them with a knockout. Make print or a small toy version of an elephant wearing a Christmas sweater. Carry that sucker with you into the ring and when the moments right, when things are heated of course, throw that sucker underneath his side of the table right next to his chair (THIS CAN ONLY WORK IF THEIR EYES ARE OPEN OF COURSE). This results in complete distraction and you can focus on relaxing the entire time.

Victory, sweet victory.